I am changing myself from a cynic and pessimist to an optimist. This is no mean task for me. I didn't come to my outlook on life over night. I developed my cynical, almost hateful views over the course of many years.
The cynicism and pessimism have not only been directed toward the world and life at large. Disappointment in my career choices, educational choices and other life choices have brought me to a state of near self-loathing. Negative feelings toward myself have slowly eroded my sense of self-worth and self confidence to a point where I have become stuck in quicksand. By that I mean I know I need career advancement. I need more money. I need to have a less physically demanding career. I need to move forward for myself and for my family.
I believe I've suffered from a condition known as Dysthymia, or, minor depression for years. The year 2000 began a string of deaths of loved ones that would continue through 2006. Over that period, I believe the Dysthymia slowly escalated to full clinical depression. I say, “I believe”, because I was not diagnosed with clinical depression until 2007 when I found I couldn't function anymore.
The above conditions have helped to develop in me a dark, nihilistic, bleak outlook and in-look. In fact, there is actually a symbiosis between my negative thinking and depression. They feed each other. The more negativity in my thinking, the tighter the hold depression has on me, driving my thoughts toward the negative.
So, to make the turn around from cynic to optimistic, positive thinker is like reversing a freight train. This is where, “acting as if”, comes in. I am so used to finding the bad and wrong and down side in everything that negativity shouts down any positive thoughts I try to form. So I act as though I am a positive, optimistic person. I act as if I believe that I am confident. I act as if I am happy. I act as if the world is a good place and people are good and life is good.
All this takes enormous conscious effort. I have to turn up the volume on the positive voice in my head. I have to make that voice drown out and shout down the negativity that has permeated my very being. It isn't easy, but I am doing it. And in time instead of acting as if I am happy and confident and optimistic with a bright future, I simply will be all that.
I will not become a Pollyanna. I won't become a Stuart Smalley. But I will be what I am: a strong, intelligent, talented, happy person.
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